Being a part of a relationship can be scary. You may not be entirely sure what your partner’s plans are or how much loyalty they have, especially if you haven’t been together for a very long time. You may be worried that, while you’re in it for the long run, your significant other isn’t – or just hasn’t decided yet.
Many people resort to unsavory “tests” of loyalty to find out the truth. But playing mind games and executing trick scenarios and situations is the opposite of what we’re advocating for. Those types of tricks are unhealthy and only create more reasons to lose someone’s loyalty.
So what should you do instead? Having honest, open conversations and discussions with your partner is the way to go. But it can be difficult to figure out where to start, and how to go about it. To help you out, here are some questions to ask your partner to test their loyalty.
10 Questions To Ask Your Partner To Test Their Loyalty
1. What’s your definition of loyalty?
Most people assume that everyone thinks of loyalty the same way. The truth is that people have different ideas of what loyalty really, truly is. For some people, it’s a very strict thing, and for others, it involves very little. Whichever side you fall on, or wherever you stand in between, you shouldn’t fall into the trap of assuming your partner feels the same way.
It’s important for those in a relationship to be on the same page. Discuss what loyalty means to each of you, what you both define as cheating, and essentially what commitment is defined as by you and your partner. This is according to mental health counselor and therapist Deanna Fernandez.
Knowing how your partner defines loyalty helps to prevent arguments in the future, as you both know what you’re getting into. It’s also a great way to ensure that your partner is someone who values and appreciates loyalty.
2. What are your current priorities?
This is a question best asked outside the context of your relationship, so bring it up in casual conversation – not when you’re already discussing your relationship. This is because you may not get the most accurate answer when you’re already talking about your romance and emotions are focused on that.
Karol Ward, a licensed psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, suggests that you pay close attention to whether your partner talks about long-term, committed relationships as part of their priorities. If not, they may not be ready to commit to a serious partnership.
- It’s also a good way to make sure you’re both at the same point in your life.
- If you’re focused on work and they are, too, it all works out.
- But if you or they are ready to settle down and put the other person first, yet this is unrequited, it’s time to take a step back.
3. Where do you think this relationship is headed, or where do you want it to go?
One of the easiest ways to know how loyal or committed your partner is to you is just to ask them directly. Ask them where they currently see the relationship going. If they’re not sure, ask them where they personally would like it to go.
The reason a lot of people wind up being “led on” by their partners is purely due to a lack of positive communication, says Dr. Connie Omari, licensed professional counselor, clinician, and nationally certified counselor. Without good communication, you cannot know for sure that your partner is loyal to you; chances are, they might not even know that you expect that of them!
Does your partner not have a clear answer?
- Open the floor for discussion.
- Talk about the future of your relationship and see if you both have similar desires.
- It’s good to get it all out there.
- If your partner gets angry or doesn’t want to talk about it, there’s a good chance commitment isn’t on their mind.
4. What are your thoughts on long-term versus short-term relationships?
Not everyone is a believer in “happily ever after.” For some, it’s all about dating the right person for them at the right time, and moving on when that time is over. Some people also just can’t be happy in one relationship for long stretches of time. That’s all okay, as long as you both know about it!
Frame the question casually, not aggressively, and ask in a hypothetical way. Does your partner prefer long-term relationships, or would they rather keep their options and open and move on with the seasons? Are they serial monogamists, or do they refuse to be tied down?
This will also give you some insight into your significant other’s ideas on loyalty and commitment, and it can prepare you for what lies ahead. Plus, you’ll know whether they’re likely to stick around in times of trouble, which links us to our next point.
5. How can we deal with an upcoming challenge?
All relationships go through rough patches, and you need to be ready to handle them with your partner. If you foresee a challenge up ahead, have a serious discussion with your partner about how you are going to handle it. Don’t have any imminent challenges? Pose a hypothetical one that is likely to occur in a long-term relationship.
Licensed clinical social worker of psychotherapy Erin K. Tierno states that partners have to be willing to have discussions about these incidents. If they don’t want to talk about it, it’s not a good sign for your longevity – or for their commitment levels.
In difficult times, couples have to be able to acknowledge issues, discuss problems, keep positive thinking going, and listen to their significant other. So if they’re not willing to do that now, they likely have one foot already out the door.
6. What do you think is the most important aspect of a long-term relationship?
Committed partners know exactly what they want in a long-term relationship, or at least, they know what matters in them. If your significant other has absolutely no idea what they believe to be important in long-term partnerships, it’s likely because they aren’t considering one.
Sometimes, a partner may not have thought about that yet. If this is the case, be prepared for them to be less committed – especially if they never seem to get around to doing any positive thinking about it.
7. How long do you think you should wait before committing to someone?
This is a fairly straightforward question. Your partner will tell you how long it takes before they believe it’s safe to feel like they’re with the right person and commit to them. All you have to do now is compare how long you’ve been with them and see if you fit the bill.
- Even if you’re still a new couple, it’s a good question to ask because it gives you an idea of how they feel about loyalty.
- Does it take them a few months to commit? You have a good chance.
- Does it take them a few years? Consider whether you’re really willing to wait for that.
8. Do you think one of us is more invested in our relationship?
In an ideal relationship, both partners are equally invested in each other. It can, however, take a while to reach that point for new couples. So, ask your partner who they think is more invested, and the answer will tell you a lot.
Do they think you’re more invested? Ask if that’s something they plan to change. Do they think they’re more invested, or that you’re both equal in that area? See if what they do actually match up with what they say.
If you find yourself canceling your own plans, working around their schedule, and putting in the extra effort while they can’t do the same for you, they’re not as invested as you are. This isn’t always a bad thing if you’ve just started dating, but if things don’t even out, it’s going to be painful down the line.
9. Would you like to come to dinner with my family/friends?
CAP-accredited licensed mental health counselor Erin Parisi states that someone who is not serious or committed to the relationship is not going to show any interest in meeting your friends or family. So if you want to know if your partner is positive about being with you, ask them to meet your loved ones!
This is because it involves extra effort, can be awkward, and can even be a hassle or a difficult thing to go through. Why would they bother if they’re not in it for the long run? Of course, don’t expect a partner to want to meet your family or your friends immediately upon beginning a relationship. But if you’ve been dating for a long while and they still don’t want anything to do with your loved ones, it’s a red flag.
- You can also ask this the other way around if you like.
- Ask them if you can meet their friends or family.
- If they quickly say no, they may not see you being in their life for long.
10. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Okay, so this question is straight out of a job interview, but it’s an important one. What does your partner think they’ll be doing in five years? Still dating you? Chasing a big dream around the world where you can’t follow? Anywhere involving you? Anywhere without you?
It’s simple. If your partner sees you in their life in five years, they’re in it for the long run. If you don’t factor into their otherwise decently conceived future plans, it’s because they don’t plan to have you there.
Final Thoughts On Questions To Ask Your Partner To Test Their Loyalty
Relationships are hard. That’s why communication is so crucial and important to a healthy, happy one. If you’re not making sure that you and your partner are on the same page with loyalty and commitment, you could be setting yourself up for failure.
These 10 questions to ask your partner to test their loyalty are great because they start up a discussion and urge the beginning of an in-depth conversation. You’ll come out after each one knowing a little bit more about your significant other and feeling like you can trust them more than ever before – and isn’t that the whole point?